Fear and Loathing in the Psyche: This blog is a safe place for all artists to embrace and acknowledge their feelings towards this intensely emotional and sometimes, cruel business. As this community builds I hope to feature more artists and their personal experiences with this industry. 

This entry is contributed by viavicarious.

It's hard to begin; my thoughts are overwhelming.

My main fear is this: that when I quiet my thoughts, I will look inward  and feel inadequate. 

It is impossible to hide in the present moment. The present is the great unmasker, and when I am present, it is as if, as Edmund Tyrone says, "the veil of things is drawn back by an unseen hand. For a second you see, and seeing the secret, are the secret. For a second there is meaning."

It takes courage to live in the present, vulnerable, inadequate perhaps. But in those moments when the veil is drawn back, when my thoughts are quiet and my fears are still, I begin again; I create anew. - viavicarious

I try to conceal my fear.

Prey in the crosshairs.

It is too late, they smell blood.

I hear the idle chatter.

Girls can be so cruel.

My headphones are my savior.

  

This face pretty much encapsulates my overall feeling towards audition holding rooms.

"Real things don't frighten me, only the things in my head do."- Francesca Woodman

 It's a very real battle for me, between real life, fantasy, and the horror stories I fabricate in my mind. Most little girls, at some point in their adolescence, dream of being the "prima ballerina". (It just sounds like the most glamorous and wonderful thing ever!) Then, time passes, those little girls grow up, and go to college, and make responsible career choices, at an age when you couldn't possibly know what you want to do FOREVER, and that's when I distinguished myself. There was never a doubt in my mind that I would be a professional dancer. It wasn't the sort of hobby I would outgrow. Of course, I had romantic ideals about what life would be like as a dancer. (I was sixteen. No one has realistic goals at sixteen!) Fortunately, I believed in myself enough to move to New York, and give this dance career a real shot...These last three years in the city have been the most extraordinarily challenging and profoundly formative years of my life. I've also met the most intensely beautiful people in this chaotic metropolis, that I now know, have changed the way I view the world. My journey in New York, and as an artist has only begun. Everyday I discover that the title, dancer, doesn't even begin to describe who I am or what I do, but everyday is a struggle against my self doubt. Though the city is bristling with harsh realities, my most terrifying moments are within my mind.